Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Before you begin you think, can I do this? Do I want to do this? Will it be very hard? Will be be too hard? Will I have room for this? And then you start and you think oh this isn't too bad, I can totally do this. Then half way through you think, no way. I don't like it. I want to stop. It's just too painful...and then you get in a rhythm and you think oh I remember how to do this. I totally used to do this when I was in my 20's. So you suck it up and do work. Then you cum...I mean get a super satifying A. Wait no grad school is not like anal sex.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Something has been bothering me lately...something that has brought me back to blogging. Sex. My boyfriend broke up with me over a year ago and I haven't really been trying to put myself out there too much until recently. And then I promptly pulled myself right back off the market. I'm still not ready. I got hurt way to fast and way too easily. I haven't REALLY tried to fix myself. Not since my divorce 4 years ago and certainly not from what I still consider the love of my life shattering me to pieces. So I'm in therapy and I'm trying to figure it all out. The one thing that blows my mind 4 years later and 37 years old now is this double standard. Let's not pretend we don't need physical touching. Let's not pretend that sex is good and healthy for a person to have. Why should the marriage and coupled up people be the only ones to have that without being viewed as a slut or a low self esteem person. By person I mean woman. Because we all know it's completely fine for a man to sleep with tons of women like they are going through disposable razors but if woman adopts the same philosophy she's a whore. And a lot of you men really think that way. You might act like you don't but deep down you would never consider seriously dating your friend with benefits. And why is that? Do you not like her? Enjoy her company? Maybe you both are just not in a safe place to get emotionally involved with someone? But, do you think the woman would ever say, oh no. I can't possible date you because we started out sexually. WHAT TOTALLY BULLSHIT. In case you are wondering no, I do not go home with strangers and no I am not a sex addict. I just LIKE sex. A lot. Probably more than most women and some men even. I like to have a friend with benefits...or two haha. But that's what I prefer...someone I can have sex with and it needs to be good and someone I actually like and know that they view me the same way. Not some sexual object. A mutual respect for one another. So imagine my surprise when someone I've been seeing off an on for a year tells me he's going on a date a few weeks ago. The back story...I made it clear I did want to date him at one point and even this last time when he reached out to me I let him know I wanted more but knew he didn't have it in him at the time. So I asked him...what is it about me that you never seemed very interested in dating. At first he said I just never really saw you that way. Which I was fine with...some people you just want to bang and some you see as more. BUT then he says, I think it's because you and I started out sexual and when I seriously date someone I try to not have sex and get to know them before we get intimate. WHAT TOTAL BULLSHIT. Don't date me because of a number of reasons but that one. I told him to loose my number. It's not because he didn't want to date me it's because he's a liar and quite possibly hates women in general. He wants the "idea" of his perfect woman and it's not someone who he really wants to get down and fuck. So he'll probably cheat on her like he did his wife because he's lying to himself. And that's no one I want to be with. I have been trying very hard to be honest with myself. And with therapy here's what I have decided. I am ok with being sexual. I am ok with being a huge flirt and being dirty and saying too much and doing too much too fast. I am OK with me. I know I have flaws and make mistakes of course. When I decide to date again I'm going to be exactly me and if the guy doesn't like that well that's ok. There is nothing wrong with me. I am who I am and if you don't like that then I don't need to be with you. The love of my life started out as just sex...we did some things the very first night that I never did with another person. He didn't hold me hostage for that or look at me in a different way or think there was something wrong with me. he accepted me as me. Unfortunately the timing was all wrong but that's a story for another day. He taught me to love myself and explore my sexual side and he never ever made me feel dirty in the bad way he made me feel like the most beautiful sexy person in the world. And that. Is how it always should be and how it will be for me. Someday...